Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
