My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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