Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
