Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
