That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
