I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
