I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
