Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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