how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
40s are totally the cure
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
