Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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