Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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