he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
