Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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