I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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