i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
