Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
