Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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