Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
