i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
