he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
