Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
