I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
