If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
