For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
