i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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