It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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