I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
