you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
