I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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