I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
