True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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