Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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