I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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