If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
