just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
