he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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