i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Randomize
