Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
