Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
