Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's the barista slut.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
