mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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