i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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