You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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