You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
