Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize