that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
