when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
