Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
