i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
