jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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