Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
