don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
