This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
