She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
