she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
