sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
