She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
