Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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