Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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