After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
