I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
